I'm a secret musician.

I mean, its not as if people don't know that I play music or sing. They get a cursory glance at it, on the occassional Sunday morning or retreat. The little ditty I sing in the car, or the small chorus I pick-out when we're all sitting around doing nothing.

But no one knows that it makes my heart beat faster to make music. That music is like breathing to me. That if I have a secret dream, beyond even teaching or studying history, it would be to sing.

I look at friends like Sister-Sarah's husband, Ian, who is a gifted worship leader and musician, or my friend and worship leader Ryan, who is able to speak in the language of music in a special way. And my Haley, who's voice is of the caliber of Christina Aguilera or Beyonce (and of this I am not joking.)

They are bold with their music, their voices, their loves. I'm not as talented as they are, not as gifted musically.

I'm a secret musician. I write songs that never get heard. I have been training to be a vocalist for years. I didn't take piano or guitar lessons, but worked hard at it during my own time because it makes me HAPPY. I love worship. I love muscial theater. I love creating and flowing and communing with my Creator through music. I love performing.

But I very rarely do anything with it. Of course, like I said, there's the occasional retreat, and I do a song or two every Tuesday morning for our women's bible study.

Yet, deep inside me there is this epic, rolling, growing ache to stretch my wings, to express myself through this thing that I love so much. Its to the point that I don't care if I can't sing like Haley, or write like Ryan, or capture a room like Ian. How do you NOT do something you love? I just don't know exactly where to do it........

One of the strangest things about blogging is sharing the deepest parts of my life without having the faces of the people to whom I'm writing in front of me. I said something random to Brandon about something I love yesterday, and he said he already knew that (he almost always does know anyway), but even if he hadn't he said he could just have read my blog. I forget that its all out there, but its all true. This is the real me.

The one who wishes I was a kick-butt super hero. The one who sings the Broadway songs from "Wicked" in my car at the top of my lungs. The one who thinks I will explode if one more person tells me that I am administratively-gifted. The girl who cries herself to sleep sometimes at night because I'm alone, but who turns around and encourages the other girls in my life to just keep going and not give up. The girl who likes expensive lip gloss and doesn't think that I'm pretty at all. Who wishes people knew that I really am smart, even if I accidentally run into things sometimes or don't know how to add to 30 in my head. (That one's for Michelle. :) )

I'm the girl who writes songs that no one ever hears.

________________________________________________________________________________

I wish we lived in a world where we encouraged people to do what makes them ALIVE, that we invested all of our capability to bring people to equipping, training, encouragement, opportunities. If I accomplish one thing in this life I pray that it would be to encourage people to do ALL that God has gifted and called them to do, to live their lives to the fullest. To look past fear, regret, anxiety, lack of trust, and just RUN. Run the race full out...... To write the songs and play them to anyone who will listen. To play the music and even if no one else hears the tune, play it loudly anyway.

_________________________________________________________________________________

My favorite female musician is Bethany Dillon. I'd encourage ANYONE to check her out... there is a raw reality to her music that I can't get enough of. I think I always have imagined that one day I'd get to do what she does...  Check her out at www.bethanydillon.com.